Meanwhile, in Lulu-Land...

fabian made me realize something about myself tonight. i’ve always thought of myself as a simple girl. little things use to make me happy. everything will be all right as long as i remain optimistic and smiling. i don’t know when i changed but apparently i am not that person anymore. i never thought i would see the day that my smile would be so fake.

i’ve been working hard my whole life. how else could i have survived? if i relax for a little bit something goes wrong. i have to be on my toes all the time. i couldn’t really enjoy the little things. and now it caught up with me. no matter how much i try, i can’t enjoy the little things anymore. i am always worried about little details. i have to figure out my next move. i need to have control. i’m so afraid of failing. i don’t think i will be happy if i don’t get what i think i should have. but who said those are the things i should have?

i have a stable job. i have the love of my life. my family is healthy. i should be thankful. but i want more. i want a better job. i want a good provider. i want to spoil my family. it’s frustrating me that i cannot do or have these things. so i want to work harder. it doesn’t sound bad right? so why does it feel so wrong?

i want to go back to being that simple girl. i want to be content with what i have. but i feel like it’s too late for me.

I’ve been so tired lately. I cannot say I’m stressed anymore because I know how stress feels like and this is not it. It just feels like I’ve got a whole bunch of things I need to do. As I finish one thing, two more things come up. That’s just the things I need to do. There are also things I wanna do, which right now, I am not feeling so optimistic about them ever getting done. I don’t even want to try anymore so I don’t get disappointed and more frustrated. This is not something new to people. I bet my tomato basil potato chips that most people feel this way. So, I cannot say this is my really a problem. 

Here comes the real rant: whenever I do get free extra time to maybe finish something on my hydra-like to do list, I fall sleep. Not that I plan it or want to, it just happens. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, whisper ‘Aja!’, get ready to work, and pass out.

I want to go on a long vacation. Just drop everything and do things I really want to do. Things that are important and that truly matter. Then, fall asleep without worry. Not needing to make sure my alarm is set. Not having to check the time when I wake up in the middle of the night. Not feeling that I wasted my time by sleeping a complete 4 hours. Not worrying about what’s gonna happen after the vacation. I want to be able to take life one day at a time. If only life was that nice and easy. However, it’s not. I should already know and just accept this fact. I guess I should stop complaining and start working more.

But, I’m just so freakin’ tired.

I want to take time right now to say sorry to friends and family. I haven’t been able to say hi to anybody lately. No, I haven’t forgotten about anybody. In fact, that’s all I’ve been thinking about. I want to chit-chat and find out how everybody is doing. I want to tell everybody how I miss them so much. The reason I don’t say hi is that I know I cannot follow it with anything. I have time to say hi but I might not have time to keep talking. As much as I don’t want to disappoint myself, I don’t wanna disappoint my love ones more.

I’ve wrote my piece. Now back to work. Aja!

Zzzzzzzz…

I hate it so much how guys tell their girlfriends that they are perfect the way they are. they say how they like it better if we don’t wear make-up or our boobs are the perfect size. then they go flirting with other girls who are all pretty and cute because of their thick eyeliners and d cups. and then you try to get all dolled up for them and they’ll think you’re too much and they you not to do it anymore. aaargghhh. it makes me so mad!

sorry, I just have to rant.